A late night out with friends and my husband at the time led to drinking way into the wee hours of the night while engaging in bar and club hopping. As i followed my friends up the stairway to the second story level of this packed club my husband and I began to argue. He wanted to leave already but i was enjoying myself and not ready to go. He gets angry and turns to walkout proceeding back down towards the stairs we had just come up. I turn to stop him and grab his arm to try and talk him out of leaving. That's when things turned really ugly. He spun around and grabbed me by the neck pushing me back into a railing with half me hanging over. A lady standing by immediately jumped in and started yelling at him to let me go and in that moment everything was happening so quickly. Security came up the stairs and escorted him out while everyone checked on me to see if i was alright. I was so embarrassed and still not ready to leave as i was angry with his behavior towards me. I was now the victim in the situation, but i still gave compassion to him. A quick call to him let me know he was okay and just waited outside for us. we all decided to leave as i was not enjoying myself anymore and feeling bad for what happened to him rather than myself. I made myself the problem and shamed myself for causing this chaos.
Abusive behaviors towards others are often rooted in complex psychological, emotional, and social factors.
In that moment I was introduced to Ego, which is seen as a source of suffering and separation from the true self and others.Abusive Behaviors can stem from an overactive ego that seeks power and control, leading individuals to harm others to maintain a false sense of superiority. Ego is using these behaviors of unhealed emotional and spiritual wounds. Unresolved pain and experienced trauma can cause Ego to project their suffering onto others as a way to cope with their own internal struggles. You may not have felt like you did anything wrongful to deserve the abusive treatment you are receiving but for Ego you have reminded it of a trigger. Be it an emotion, memory, or possibly even something from a past life that has carried over into this life. The awareness I'm trying to bring forward here is that it's most likely not you, but rather the trigger that has set them off. Triggers are tricky to identify if Ego shuts you out and becomes The Persecutor and later The Avoider or The Victim and The Rescuer. Control dramas can create a cycle of dysfunction in abusive relationships but, before you call them out it is better to grow your awareness and knowledge first. This can be your safety mechanism in a heated moment. (I talk more about that below) For example, an abusive person may switch between the roles of persecutor and victim, creating confusion and emotional turmoil in the victim. The victim may take on the role of rescuer in an attempt to change the abusive person's behavior, perpetuating the cycle.
Understanding control dramas is essential for breaking the cycle of abuse. It allows individuals to recognize the patterns and dynamics at play, empowering them to seek help, set boundaries, and make healthier choices in their relationships.
One of the first tools that helped me was Setting Boundaries. I had no prior experience on how to even set a boundary let alone use one in a heated moment. I gathered some different scenarios to use them while in session with my therapist but there's also a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud that many rave about. Personally i own it as a friend mailed me a copy but i never read it. I just hit the ground running with my tools and experiencing what setting boundaries felt like for myself. I discovered it was very uncomfortable and especially challenging when faced with setting them with those around me. I would have moments of self doubt and shame myself for standing up and letting others not run me over. All the while i knew i had that strength deep inside me, it was just so smothered with all the stories and shame i had used to bury it. It is so interesting how the actions of others can lead to this kind of inner chaos inside someone else. It's like a virus that plagues others until gaining awareness to correct it.
While this was my experience in how i chose to handle my personal situations it may or may not work for you. The awareness has been given and i leave it up to you to find the tools and resources that will fit your experiences. I'd like to add a few books that truly opened up my awareness with the Ego which was, A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. These two books helped me with seeing things in a different perspective and start breaking through my own Ego walls.
Create a Safety plan for emergencies. Identify safe places or trusted people to go to. Establish a code word or signal to alert others you're in danger. Share important documents, keys, and phone numbers with a trusted person and discuss emergency services and shelters if needed.
Exiting the relationship can be scary. You need to plan your exit strategy discreetly. Seek legal advice if necessary (restraining orders, custody, counseling). Although, in my personal experience trying to get a restraining order was exhausting and i was denied one. The circumstances of my situation and death threats were not good for a fancy restraining order in my town. Things like this arise leaving those feelings of defeat. Personally i feel like the system is outdated and well known by the perpetrators. This is why i believe it is important to work very smart and careful when in a high heated situation. Most stay in the relationship due to thinking they will be able to help them but that's not the case. You can not help them unless they are open to the help. In my experience with myself and others they do not think they are the problem so therefore there is no work for them to do. Everything gets turned around and projected onto you leaving your mind in mental chaos.
Its taken me over 10 years to get through healing from my first experience with Ego's abusive behavior. In my reflection of healing through this over the years has shown me where Ego's abusive behavior was present all along in my life, some just worse than others. It was a messy awakening alongside a Spiritual Saturn Return. Just know anything is possible, be safe, gather awareness, and seek trusted outlets. Much of the things i have learned are the psychological aspects of it.
It's crucial to remember that every abusive situtation is unique., and seeking professional guidance and support is highly recommended. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, contact a domestic violence hotline, therapist, or local organization for expert advice and assitance tailored to the specific circumstances. Safety and well-being should always be the top priority when dealing with abusive situtaions.