here's why we may not be reaching out when we need help.

9/10/2024

I'd like to raise a very important point about the common advice of “Reach Out if You Need Help,” which can feel impractical or even impossible when someone is at their lowest point. Often, people who are struggling with mental health or difficult emotions lack the energy, motivation, or even the belief that they won’t be a burden on others. This can create a paradox: while we offer help with the best intentions, the person may feel too overwhelmed to take that first step.

Understanding the Limitations of "Reaching Out"

Emotional and Cognitive Load: When someone is feeling depressed, anxious, or distressed, their cognitive and emotional load is often too heavy. The effort required to even send a message, make a call, or articulate feelings can seem insurmountable.
Fear of Burdening Others: Even if reassurance is given, people in distress might feel like they're burdening others or that their issues aren't "important enough." The shame or guilt that comes with asking for help can further isolate them.
Low Self-Worth: A person who is at their lowest point may believe they don’t deserve help or think that asking for support won't make a difference. Their mental state often distorts their perception of how others will respond.

Beliefs Bought and Sold as My own in Childhood.

Many of our patterns around asking for or offering help can stem from childhood experiences. Here’s how:

1. Learned Independence or Self-Reliance:
If someone grew up in an environment where they were expected to handle their emotions or problems alone, they may have learned to internalize their struggles. Phrases like "be strong" or "don't cry" often teach children that reaching out for help is a sign of weakness, leading to difficulties in seeking support later in life.

2. Fear of Rejection or Judgment:
If a child’s emotions were dismissed or met with criticism, they might have developed a fear of being a burden or feeling like their needs aren’t valid. This can lead to an internal belief that asking for help will result in rejection or judgment.

3. Caretaker Roles:
Children who were often put in caretaker roles—whether for siblings, emotionally unavailable parents, or others—might grow up feeling more comfortable giving help than receiving it. This can make it harder for them to reach out when they need support, as they’ve been conditioned to always be the "strong one."

4. Modeling Behavior:
Children who observed their caregivers or parents being reluctant to ask for help, or who grew up in a family where vulnerability was not openly expressed, may adopt similar behaviors as adults. They may perceive independence as strength and vulnerability as weakness.

Breaking the CycleRecognizing these patterns can be the first step toward healing. By becoming aware of how early experiences shape adult behavior, we can begin to unlearn unhealthy coping mechanisms and embrace the idea that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

"Don’t wait for someone to ask for help—show up before they have to."

A More Compassionate Approach
Instead of putting the onus on the person who is struggling to initiate help, here are some alternative approaches that might be more effective:

Proactive Check-ins: Rather than waiting for someone to reach out, regular, gentle check-ins can show that you’re present and available. You might say something like, “I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to check in. No need to reply if you’re not feeling up to it, but I’m here when you’re ready.”
Offer Specific Support: Offering specific actions instead of vague “let me know if you need anything” statements can be more helpful. For example, "I’m going to bring over some food tomorrow. If you’d rather I didn’t, just let me know,” or “I’d love to take a walk with you sometime this week. Does any day work for you?”
Listening Without Fixing: When someone does open up, it’s important to listen without immediately trying to fix their problems. Sometimes, people just need to be heard. This creates a safe space for them to talk without fear of judgment or advice they might not be ready for.
Create Safe Communication Spaces: Encourage a sense of openness by being vulnerable yourself. You might say, “I’ve been thinking a lot about how hard things can get sometimes, and I wanted to let you know that I’m here, even if you just want to sit in silence or share how you’re feeling.”
Encourage Small Steps: Instead of expecting someone to express their needs or emotions fully, offer smaller, more manageable steps. This could be as simple as texting a single word or emoji to communicate their feelings on difficult days.

Long-Term Cultural Shift
On a larger scale, there is also a need to shift the cultural narrative around asking for help:

Normalize Ongoing Support: Rather than positioning help as something that’s needed only at breaking points, we should normalize ongoing, reciprocal support in everyday life. This removes the stigma of only asking for help when things are bad.
Community-Centered Care: Encouraging community and peer networks can help people feel supported even without formal requests for help. Regular gatherings, mutual support systems, or even digital spaces where people can engage casually without pressure can foster stronger connections.

By making it easier for people to feel supported without having to make that difficult first move, we might be able to foster more authentic, compassionate connections. Reaching out for help is important, but perhaps the weight shouldn’t always rest solely on the person who is struggling.

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here's why we may not be reaching out when we need help.

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